


I'll stay if I'm what you choose

by abucketofwigs



Series: Hanahaki Disease [1]
Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Post-Canon, Regina George learning and growing from her mistakes? iconic, Slow Burn, read the trigger warning please, they're probably out of character but this is post-canon and I love them so oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-20 21:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18132158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abucketofwigs/pseuds/abucketofwigs
Summary: Of course getting hit by a bus didn't kill her, but Regina figures that flowers will





	I'll stay if I'm what you choose

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: vomiting and blood are mentioned in this fic quite frequently, and if that makes you uncomfortable and you don't wanna read, I get it. It's not graphic.
> 
> The title is from the song "Seventeen" from Heathers: The Musical.
> 
> Thank you for reading.

When Regina was still head of the plastics, she used to catch herself staring at Janis in a such a way that even she knew wasn’t completely innocent. It used to shake her to her core; she remembers that feeling a lot when she was in the eighth grade before she became a stone cold, robot-like bitch. Gretchen used to catch her when Regina was too far into her thoughts to pull herself out. It felt like the other girl always had a sixth sense for whenever Regina looked a little too long at Janis across the cafeteria. Whenever Gretchen would touch her arm or say something to get Regina’s attention to anywhere but Janis, she would fix Regina with this look of pity like she knew exactly what Regina was feeling.

Regina doesn’t know how she didn’t feel the flowers growing in her stomach back then.

~

The first flower appears ironically on the first day back to school.

Regina wakes up to the tickle of it in her throat and prays that hopefully, maybe she’s not getting sick.

Regina George doesn’t get sick.

Especially not today.

She’s supposed to meet Cady and the other’s for breakfast before their first official day as seniors, and she’s worked to damn hard to earn the group’s trust to miss it.

So instead she clears her throat and ignores it.

~

Their table at iHop is two small ones pushed together, and the loudest. Regina blames it on Cady and Karen who all can’t stop laughing at Damian’s dramatics. Gretchen’s quiet, but she smiles every so often at someone's joke and seems content pressed against Karen.

It didn’t surprise Regina when the two of them came out over the summer. She didn’t see it happening during the trainwreck that was junior year, but there was always something different about the way Karen leaned into Gretchen. They were always close and if Gretchen caught Regina staring at Janis for too long then-

Janis.

Regina feels the tickle in her throat again at the thought of her. It’s harder to ignore this time.

She spares a glance toward her, but Janis is too busy typing quickly on her phone like she’s been doing since they got here. Gretchen nudges at her leg under the table, and Regina coughs focusing instead on her water.

“Janis, stop texting, come on.” Cady reaches next to her, playfully tugging on Janis’ phone. Normally this situation is reversed with Cady texting Aaron all throughout the time they’re supposed to be hanging out. “Zoey will still be here later.”

Regina frowns.

Zoey?

Who the hell is Zoey?

“Janis, is Zoey your new crush?” Karen’s eyes flash with excitement.

She’s always loved knowing all the gossip. Regina supposes it might be a reason why she likes Gretchen so much.

“Zoey is Janis’ hot new college,” Damian pauses, raising his eyebrows, “lover.”

Janis’ nose scrunches, and she kicks Damian underneath the table.

“Gross.”

He laughs, winking at her.  

Regina watches Janis duck her head, a light blush spreading across her cheeks.

Something expands in Regina’s throat, her stomach twists.

She’s going to be sick.

She waits until three different conversations have passed before she excuses herself to the bathroom. She barely has time to lock the stall door behind her before she heaves.

When the bouquet of purple petals and spit leave her mouth, Regina figures she deserves it.

~

Regina already knows what this is. She’s seen it on an episode of Teen Mom once. (Spoiler alert: the person the girl was in love with definitely was not her baby daddy). Regina doesn’t want to look up where the girl is now; she’s too scared.

That night, after vomiting multiple times at school and after lacrosse practice, Regina looks up purple flowers before she finds the ones she’s been seeing all day.

**Purple Hyacinths: please forgive me.**

~

It’s not just a one-time thing.

It doesn’t get better.

It gets worse.

Regina figured this would happen. Anytime she thinks of Janis, or someone says her name, or she’s around, Regina feels the roots twisting in her stomach, and the petals expand in her throat. She should be used to it after the first few weeks, but she’s not. She doesn’t know how to even start becoming used to it. Almost every time it’s a different flower; except for the purple hyacinths; those bitches hurt. They taste the worst; if Regina had to pick which one she hates the most.

She’s gotten good at schooling her face when she’s close to being sick now. Sometimes Gretchen will still look at her like she’s trying to solve Regina like a puzzle, but she just can’t figure it out yet. It wouldn’t surprise Regina if Gretchen knew.

Regina considers telling her.

She doesn’t.

~

The day Janis brings Zoey to one of their weekly movie nights, Regina thinks that she’s going to die.

But, she’s Regina George, so instead, she holds her chin high and pretends to play nice. Janis grins like it means the world to her that Regina is actually trying to be a decent person to someone outside the group, and Regina ignores Gretchen’s worried stares as she excuses herself to the bathroom. Gretchen’s probably worried that Regina’s contemplating all the different ways to ruin that Zoey bitch’s life, but Regina doesn’t do that. Instead, she heaves a bouquet of pink and yellow that makes her chest hurt; washes her hands; fixes her hair; and rejoins them in Damian’s living room like nothing is wrong.

Karen offers her a bottle of water, slides a stick of gum into the back pocket of Regina’s sweatpants.

“It helps, winking face emoji.”

Regina blinks at her but twists the cap off the bottle. She takes a small sip; the burn in her chest loosens. Karen stares at her knowingly.

“Thanks.”

Karen smiles, “You’re welcome.”

Regina watches her skip over to the couch to sit next to Gretchen. Zoey’s stolen Regina’s usual spot next to Janis on the loveseat; the two already cuddled up in a way that makes Regina feel like she has to go back to the bathroom. She swallows the petals down and shares a beanbag with Cady.

She’s only a little pissed about it.

(A lot).

~

Regina watches Gretchen outline the black ‘ **Vote for Gretchen Weiners** ’ with a pink marker. She wants to ask Gretchen how long she’s known; if she ever expected something like this to happen Regina. If Regina deserves it.

Regina’s phone buzzes next to her. It’s another text from Janis, and Regina has to swallow down the petals when she swipes right on the girl’s name. Apparently, her and Janis have reached that level of friendship now where instead and arguing in words they argue in gifs, but instead of being pissed off Regina just thinks it’s funny. (And a little sad). If she were to go to the bathroom right now, then she knows that she’d puke something blue, or whatever fucking flower means longing. It’s pathetic, really, that she the apex predator of Northshore is longing to be with someone just last year she hated.

(Of course, Regina could never hate Janis. Not really).

“What do you think?”

Gretchen holds up the poster, and Regina looks up from her phone. She doesn’t understand why Gretchen’s even putting up posters and campaigning for student body President, she’s going to win. Regina will make sure of it.

“It looks good.”

Regina’s phone buzzes again. She swallows hard, the petals stick to the bottom of her throat.

“It gets worse the more you ignore it.”

Regina hums, eyes cutting to Gretchen. She tries to put on that rock hard bitch face that she was so good at last year, but she fails. She can’t make that face at Gretchen anymore no matter how hard she tries. She’s already hurt the girl so much.

“Wha-”

“Don’t lie to me.” Gretchen interrupts in that strong voice she has now; one that doesn’t waiver when confronting Regina George. Regina almost feels proud of her. She sits in front of Regina, tucks her legs underneath her. “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you haven’t been puking up flowers.”

Regina blinks. Her stomach knots and for a second she can’t breathe. Her eyes burn, but she’s Regina George and she won’t cry.

“Gretch-”

“Have you been throwing up flowers, Regina?”

Gretchen’s stare is hard. Regina blinks back the tears before nodding. Gretchen’s face softens, her hand reaching out to hold onto Regina’s. And maybe Regina’s tired of fighting it. Maybe she’s tired and holding onto the secret. Maybe she’s tired of dying alone.

“God, it fucking hurts. So bad, and I don’t know how to make it stop, and I know it won’t stop because _she_ doesn’t love me back and she won’t love me back. She can’t.” Gretchen wipes at her eyes and pulls Regina into a hug. Regina sobs into her shoulder, clinging on to her shirt, “How could she?”

Her stomach knots in that familiar way, and it takes every ounce of energy she has for her to swing herself off the bed and make a beeline for Gretchen’s bathroom. The withered flowers and dirt that leave her stomach make her feel weak. Gretchen holds her hair back and hugs her after.

When is this going to stop?

“How did you know?” Regina asks sometime later.

Her back is pressed against Gretchen’s bathtub while the other girl is leaning against the sink. Regina brings her knees to her chest, watching the way Gretchen avoids eye contact.

“Was it Karen? Did she have it?”

Gretchen’s shoulders sink a little and Regina’s seen it done enough time by her own doing that she already knows the answer.

“You had it.” Gretchen nods, drums her fingers along the edge of the sink. Regina breathes slowly, “When?”

There’s a pause. Gretchen gulps like she’s afraid she might feel the familiar feeling of petals again. Regina wonders what that’s like to be scared of them coming back.

“Last year before the big Halloween party at Chris’. It didn’t last too long not after Karen found out.” Regina opens her mouth to ask, but Gretchen cuts her off, “It was after you were hit by the bus. That’s when Karen told me she loved me. It was right after the blood started.”

Last year.

Gretchen was dying right in front of her, puking up flowers every day, and Regina failed to notice. She didn’t see the signs when Gretchen was sick, but somehow Gretchen saw her signs. Regina really is a shitty friend. She was so obsessed with keeping her reign over the school and manipulating Cady that she failed to see that Gretchen needed her. Gretchen could have died; would she had even cared last year?

No.

Yes.

No.

She’d care now, that’s what matters, right?

God, she was such a shit person. A horrible friend. Why hadn’t the bus killed her?

Regina feels the flowers and she forces them down.

That’s why. So the flowers could.

“It’s not your fault.” Gretchen says it like she would’ve last year when she was afraid of Regina. Regina stares at her and Gretchen ducks her head. “Okay, so I was scared that you would treat me the way you treated Janis.”

Regina nods. That’s fair. She probably would have last year. Now now, though.

“I’m sorry, Gretch. I’m so fucking sorry.” Her voice cracks.

And she means it. She means it with everything in her. She was such a bitch and she’s just starting to realize how bad of an actual person that she was, and Gretchen deserves such a better friend than her.

Gretchen steps forward, holds her hands out to Regina. Regina’s are shaking when she grabs Gretchen’s. Gretchen helps her stand, holds onto her elbows to steady her.

“It’s okay, it’s in the past.”

Gretchen smiles and shrugs in a way that shows Regina how much she’s grown; how tougher she’s gotten. Regina supposes that almost dying will do that to somebody.

“We should probably figure out a way to fix this with you now. I’ll call Karen, okay?”

Regina promises herself that she’s going to be someone that deserves to have a friend like Gretchen Weiners.

~

With October brings Chris’ Halloween party and Regina coughing up blood.

In hindsight, she should have seen it coming. Google said it would happen and so did Gretchen. It had been a bad week; the upstairs girls bathroom has practically became Regina’s second home. Her throat feels like it’s been rubbed, and Janis has for some reason taken it upon herself to hangout with her after lacrosse practice all week. That hadn’t helped Regina’s problem.

Now she’s at this stupid party, standing by the drinks table wearing the sexiest nurse outfit that she could buy. (She’s worried that if she would’ve worn something more revealing, then people would notice how sick she actually is. Nowadays she’s even less than 115).

“Why aren’t you dancing?”

Cady bumps her shoulder against Regina’s, grinning into her red cup. She’s dressed in something less scary and weird than last year, and Regina’s honestly grateful.

“Haven’t found the right person yet.” Her eyes land on Janis across the room. She’s laughing at whatever Zoey’s whispering in her ear, Janis’ hand sliding over the other girl’s waist. Regina swallow, sips on her drink. “What’s your excuse?’

She focuses her attention back on Cady. Maybe that’ll help.

“Aaron’s making sure that Kevin and Marwan don’t destroy the house again.” Cady holds her cup close to her chest, “Are you okay? You’ve been acting pretty weird lately.”

Regina’s face must twist into something close to offended because Cady panics and flails her arms.

“No, not weird, I mean-wait-” The girl sighs, breathes deeply before trying again. “Just distant.”

Regina ducks her head, her cheeks warm. She blames it on the alcohol.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve just been stressed with school.”

Cady nods, “Well, if you need help I’m here to tutor.”

Regina nods, thankful that Cady is so gullible. Regina turns back to face the crowd of people, looking for Janis. She finds her still laughing at Zoey before leaning forward to kiss her. Regina bolts from the room, she can’t bear to watch them kiss.

The striped carnations that leave her are practically just red from the blood that comes with them as she leans over the railing of Aaron’s back porch. Regina wishes that she were just drunk and couldn’t hold her alcohol; her life would be so much easier then.

She wipes the blood from her lips before standing straight, wincing as she rubs her neck. Every part of her is shaking; she breathes.

“Regina?”

Shit.

Regina turns, and of course there’s Cady standing frozen. Her brows furrowed in worry and Regina really doesn’t know what to do.

“You didn’t see anything.”

Cady shakes her head, “You just threw up flowers.”

Regina’s not in the mood to beg for her to keep her mouth shut tonight.

“It happens.” Regina pushes her shoulders back, stops in front of Cady, “Let it go.”

She brushes past Cady and back into the house. She prays that Cady will take her advice for once.

~

Cady Heron doesn’t know how to let things go.

Regina already knew that, but she learns it full force the next morning when Cady bursts through her bedroom door at eight in the morning.

“It’s called the Hanahaki Disease.”

Regina sighs, leans her head against her bed frame. “Yeah.”

“No one really talked about it in Africa.” Cady tosses her bag onto Regina’s floor before skating across on her desk chair. “Google said that there are only two ways to get rid of it. Aaron said that it’s not totally uncomm-”

“You told Aaron?” Regina snaps.

Cady nods, chews on her lower lip. Regina sighs, pressing the palm of her hands against her eyes. If Aaron knows then that means that Cady could let it slip to Damian, and then Janis would find out.

Regina’s fucked.

“I didn’t know who else to talk to about it! You weren’t answering my messages.”

Regina decides that Cady has a point.

“What do you want me to say, Cady?”

She slides her hand over Regina’s, squeezing hard.

“I want you to say that you’re not going to sit here and just die.”

Regina really doesn’t have much of a choice.

“I also think that you should tell your Mom and go see a doctor.”

Regina really is fucked.

~

Janis and Zoey end things a week later. It’s out of the blue and Cady doesn’t go into detail about why, so Regina figures that Janis didn’t give her the specifics. Regina throws up pink camellia’s for that solid week before she texts Janis.

 _Hey, Cady told me. How are you holding up?_ She hits send without thinking.

Barely a minute later the three dots appear. Regina quickly backs out of her messages with Janis. She waits another minute to read the message.

**a lot better than I thought I would be. you free to talk later?**

Regina’s heart stutters.

 _Of course_ , she types back.

~

During lunch Janis will brush shoulders with her and lean over to steal her cheese fries like nothing is different between the two of them. Like Regina’s not dying because Janis doesn’t love her the way that Regina loves Janis. Regina wants to be mad; she wants to be so pissed off at Janis for causing this pain she’s feeling, but she can’t be.

This isn’t Janis’ fault.

She doesn’t even know that Regina’s dying.

~

Regina waits a week before she decides she’s going to tell her Mom. She plans to do it on a Wednesday when Kylie’s at dance practice and she doesn’t have the extra pressure of explaining to her little sister that she’s dying. Regina doesn’t think she’ll ever be brave enough to tell Kylie.

Here’s what happens when Wednesday comes:

Her Mom picks her up from lacrosse practice like Regina planned and together they drop Kylie off at dance practice.

Regina’s going to tell her Mom once they get home.

The group message she’s in with the rest of the gang keeps making her phone buzz loudly in her hands.

“Everything okay?” Her Mom turns the dial on the radio, lowering the volume.

Regina nods, reading through the messages. “Yeah, everyone’s just talking about movie night.”

“Are you taking anyone special?”

Regina glances at her Mom, but she’s too busy focusing on the road.

“There’s no one special to bring, Mom.”

She hums, “Oh, what about someone who’s already going? Like Janis?”

Regina coughs, choking on the petals. The car slows, her Mom leans over and touches her shoulder. She’s going to be sick.

“Regina, are you okay?”

Regina swallows, unbuckles her seatbelt. “P-Pull over.”

“What?”

The petals are on the tip of her tongue.

“Now!”

Her Mom pulls off to the shoulder, barely shifting the car into park before Regina’s pushing the door open and vomiting out the side of the car. She hears her Mother’s gasp, feels her hand on her back, steady and warm.

“Oh, sweetie.”

~

They see a specialist. A too expensive doctor that tells Regina everything that she already knows about the disease; everything that both Cady and Gretchen have recited to her for the past two weeks.

“Is there anything you can do.” Her Mom asks.

There’s this desperate tone in her voice that makes Regina sick. Her Mom holds her hand and Regina squeezes tighter. They both already know the options.

“We can give her nausea medicine to lessen the vomiting spells, but it won’t cause them to completely disappear.” The doctor folds his hands on top of his desk, glances from her Mother back to Regina. “Of course, Regina confess her feelings for the person and see if they feel the same way back.”

Regina shakes her head, “That’s not an option.”

He sighs, rubs at his eyes, “Or there’s surgery.” Regina’s ears perk, she leans forward. “I’ve done it once before. We’ll go in and remove the infection from her stomach, but there’s a price.”

“What is it? Money?” She asks.

The doctor shakes his head, “You’ll lose your romantic feelings. Period.”

Regina stares at the wall past his head. All of her romantic feelings? She’ll never feel this way again. She’ll never have to puke up those damn flowers ever again. Janis will never find out; she’ll be able to go on like nothing ever changed between them. Regina won’t die.

She can’t do it.

“No, the medicine is fine.”

Everything in the room shifts, and her Mom stiffens next to her. Regina knows she wants to argue, to fight her on this, but either way it goes Regina will win. Her Mom knows how hard she’s worked to change.

The Doctor writes a prescription, “I hope you reconsider your options.”

Regina nods, taking the paper from him. She’s just add another bottle of pills to her morning and night routine.

“Are you sure?”

Her Mom’s voice is low, soft. Regina stops in front of their car, clenches her fist. She doesn’t want to have this conversation. She wants to tell her Mom to fuck off. She wants for all this to stop. She wants the flowers; and the dirt; and the throwing up; and the feelings. God, the feelings. Regina’s never experienced anything so intense, but she can’t just get rid of them. She can’t just go back to being that bitch who didn’t care about anyone she was with. She doesn’t want to be like that again. She doesn’t want to be that person.

She’s not that person anymore. She’s worked too hard not to be.

“Yeah.”

~

For the next week Regina throws up anemone. She doesn’t have to look them up on the internet to figure out the meaning; she already knows.

**Anemone: fading hope.**

~

When December comes around Regina knows how bad she’s gotten. She’s paler than she’s ever been in her life; the bags under her eyes can’t be hidden by makeup anymore. Everyday her Mom hugs her tighter before she leaves for school, and Kylie holds her hand on the drive there. Regina knows that Kylie’s not stupid; that she knows something is going on, but she’s just too afraid to ask.

At school everyone keeps giving her these worried looks. The teachers have gotten used to Regina leaving class for the restroom so often that they don’t even make her take a hall pass anymore. She hears a few whispers in the halls about possible theories of what’s wrong with her, but she chooses to ignore him. There’s probably a rumor mill somewhere in school with her name constantly cycling through that Gretchen and Karen are protecting her from.

Regina doesn’t get it. Shouldn’t everyone be confronting her to her face? Talking about the rumors so loud in the halls that she has to hear it. Doesn’t she deserve a taste of her own medicine for once?

It doesn’t happen.

The only thing that happens is that everyone looks at her with this look of pity that she wants to punch off their faces. Even Damian looks at her the same as everyone else; because of course Gretchen or Cady told him because they don’t know how to keep a secret.

Regina gets where she avoid lunch with them all together. She ignore Janis’ texts and Gretchen and Cady trying to corner her in the hall.

“I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong.”

Shane takes her books and Regina doesn’t fight him on it. Shane’s just as stubborn as she is. Maybe that’s why they worked so well.

“Good, because I wasn’t planning on telling you.”

He raises his eyebrows, “I know, but humor me.”

She sighs, closes her locker and folds her arms across her chest. Her once fitted pink jacket is now loose on her shoulders and Shane stares at the material a little too long.

“Can you interrogate me on my way to class?”

He steps to the side, extending his arms. She walks past him and he laughs softly before falling into step next to her.

“Is it drugs?”

She rolls her eyes, “Original.”

“That’s a no. Is it a new diet because if it is then it’s a little too intense, Reg.”

Regina wishes it was a new diet.

Shane frowns, “Have you stopped eating again?”

“No, I eat three meals a day.”

She tries to anyway; sometimes it’s too hard with the constant vomiting.

Shane touches her elbow, pulling her to a stop in front of the bathrooms. His eyebrows are furrowed and there’s the same softness in his eyes that there was when Regina first came out to him.

“You can talk to me, you know.”

She nods, holds out her hands for her books. He doesn’t budge. She sighs, stomps her foot.

“I can’t talk to you about it, okay? You’re the only person in this entire school that doesn’t look at me like I’m about to fade away any second and I can’t lose that.” She folds her arms over her chest, “Just pretend that everything is still normal between us, okay? Please.”

He sighs, ducks his head. Regina knows that she’s asking so much of him right now. He’s such a good guy and she knows that asking him not to worry about her is one of the hardest things for him to do.

“Okay.” He hands her books back, leaning down and pressing a sloppy kiss against he cheek, “See you later in the lion costume then.”

He walks backwards down the hall.

“Not that normal!” She yells.

He winks, “You said it not me, Baby!”

Heads turn and look at her as Shane disappears around the corner. They’ll no doubt be a million new rumors about the two of them by the end of the next period that her and Gretchen will have to talk about during lunch. Regina just laughs it off and heads toward her next class. For the first time in a while she doesn’t feel as sick.

~

Two weeks before Christmas break Janis has had enough. They’re all sitting in Regina’s den; each studying for their own set of finals. Regina hears Janis sigh and toss her book to the floor.

“So, are you okay or are you going to keep avoiding us?”

The petals flutter in her throat; Regina can feel the dirt in her teeth. Everyone stops.

“I-”

“Stop making fake excuses.” There’s this coldness in Janis’ gaze that reminds Regina of last year; of the day in the gym. “Regina.”

Janis touches her arm and Regina’s stomach twists. She flinches at the pain, and Janis’ forehead wrinkles in worry.

“Talk to me.”

“Janis, maybe you should let it go.” Gretchen speaks up.

Janis ignores her, not looking away from Regina. She reaches out and touches Regina’s other arm. Regina’s body feels like it’s on fire and she can’t take it. The most strength that she has is to turn her head and not throw up on Janis.

Gretchen is at her side in an instant. Her throat burns as the duo of red tulips and purple hyacinths leave her mouth. She hears everyone else move closer to her.

“I-What the fuck?”

The flowers don’t stop coming, only getting worse when Regina feels hands slide around her waist. She knows it’s Janis.

“Regina, what’s going on?”

Janis’ voice is low, scared, and suddenly Regina feels like they’re ten again hiding during a thunderstorm. She remembers to breathe in and out as the last of the flowers escape her. She squeezes her eyes shut until the flashes of white dots appear; she hears Janis’ shaking breath behind her.

When she opens her eyes all she sees is Damian. He nods.

“Hey, let’s go talk.”

He coaxes Janis to let go of her. Regina knows she wants to put up a fight, but the minute they lock eyes Janis visibly deflates. Regina waits until the back door slides shut behind them to cry.

“It’s going to be okay.” Gretchen hugs her.

Cady squeezes her shoulder and Karen runs her fingers through her hair.

~

Janis finds her in her room an hour later. Her eyes are red and puffy, and Regina doesn’t pretend to not notice. Instead she turns to stare back up at her ceiling. She feels the bed dip at the end, hears the sheets rustle as Janis crawls up the bed to sit next to her.

“You could’ve told me.”

Regina scoffs, “Yeah right.”

Their shoulders brush; Regina wills the flowers down. If she could get through this conversation without Janis seeing her get sick again that would be great.

“You could’ve. We agreed no more secrets.”

Regina finally looks at her, “We also agreed no more drama.”

They made that pact during one of their many, many apology sessions they had over the summer. They’ve made so much progress since then.

Janis folds her arms across her chest like a shield. She bites her lip, taps her feet against each other.

“Who said this was drama?”

Regina’s heart leaps. Could that mean that-

_No._

She’s not going to entertain that thought. It’s not going to happen.

“Janis-”

Janis leans forward, folds her feet underneath her. Regina stills, breath catching in her throat.

“It’s me? After everything? It’s me?’

Every part of Regina aches at that. Janis does that thing where she tucks her hair behind both ears and picks at her nails in that nervous way, and Regina can’t help but think of course it’s her.

Of course it’s Janis. It’s always been Janis. It was Janis when they were seven, ten, thirteen, and it’s Janis now when they’re seventeen and Regina’s dying because of it.

“Yeah.” Regina shrugs.

 _Always_.

Janis swallows, “How long?”

Regina shrugs again because she doesn’t understand what Janis is asking her. How long has Regina felt this way; or how long has she been dying? Regina chooses to answer the last one.

“First day of school.”

Janis’ breath hitches, but Regina feels like she can finally breathe for the first time in months.

“Since August? Holy shit.”

Regina nods. Janis shifts, causing their shoulders to brush again.

Regina doesn’t know where they go from here.

~

Apparently where they go from there is to Janis arguing with Shane about who gets to carry her books Monday morning.

“No, I always carry her books. It’s our thing.”

Shane snatches Regina’s math binder out of Janis’ hands. Janis narrows her eyes, clenches her jaw.

“So, I’m doing it now.”

Janis grabs the end of the binder, trying to tug it from Shane’s hands. He plants his feet, holding onto it. Regina rolls her eyes at the two of them, slamming her locker shut to make them stop fighting. Janis jumps, a frantic expression crossing her features. Regina’s heart stutters.

“What are you two? Five?”

Shane ducks his head. Janis rolls her eyes, shoves her hands into her jacket pockets.

“Are you done?” She asks them. Shane nods and Janis mumbles under her breath. “Good. Shane, walk to me class?”

Janis’s head snaps up to look at her, a flash of hurt appearing on her face. Regina’s going to have to make a pit stop at the bathroom.

“But-”

Regina cuts her off, “Don’t start.” Regina holds up her hand, “Your class is on the other end of the school.”

Shane looks back and forth between the two of them.

Janis sighs, “I’ll see you at lunch?”

Regina shrugs, “I don’t know.”

Maybe Janis will get the hint that Regina doesn’t want to be around her right now.

Janis nods, turns on her heel and disappears down the hall. Shane watches her go before turning back to Regina, grinning.

“So you and Sarkisian?”

Regina rolls her eyes, weakly punches his shoulder. She steps right to disappear in the bathroom.

“Shut up.”

Shane’s laughing fades when the bathroom door swings shut behind her.

~

Janis doesn’t get the hint that Regina didn’t want to be around her.

She saves her a seat next to her everyday after lunch; walks her to and from class with Shane; meets her everyday after lacrosse practice; and texts her all throughout the day. It doesn’t help Regina, and she knows that Janis thinks that it might be, but all it’s doing is making Regina worse. Regina ignores her by shopping with Gretchen and Karen; hanging out with Cady after her mathlete practices; and helping Damian rehearse lines during the weird times where him and Janis aren’t together. All of them look at her like she won’t be there the next day, though.

Thankfully, Christmas break gives her the chance to ignore interacting with her friends and especially Janis. Regina’s grateful for the ability to be able to hide away for a while.

Her phone buzzes. Regina reads the text from Cady.

**Janis keeps talking about how she wants to ask you out.**

Regina sees purple for a little bit before she texts Cady back.

 _No, tell her it’s a bad idea._ She types, _It’s not going to happen_.

Cady’s text back is instant.

**Can’t you just try?**

_It’ll just make things worse,_ Regina types back, _It won’t be real_.

**You don’t know that.**

_Yes I do_ , Regina takes her nausea pills and drinks her water.

Neither of those really help, but Regina likes to pretend they make it easier.

**You just don’t think you deserve her.**

Cady’s never been more right.

~

There’s a new buzz in the air when they come back from Christmas break. It’s Regina’s last semester as a high school student and all she wants to focus on is making it to graduation alive.

Janis and Shane seem to have worked out a system of who gets to walk Regina to class because Janis meets Regina at her locker on Monday and Wednesday mornings, and Shane’s there on Tuesday and Thursday. On Fridays they give Regina time to walk alone and she’s really thankful for that.

“So, there’s this new art gallery opening downtown on Friday, and according to some of my friends there’s a really nice restaurant just around the corner from it.” Janis swings the locker door back and forth between her hands.

Regina hums, trying to tug her textbook from the back of her locker. It doesn’t budge, she groans. Janis taps her hand against Regina hips. Regina steps away from her locker.

“Are any of your paintings going to be shown?”

Janis shakes her head, gets the textbook to slide out just a little.

“No, but I know some people who are being shown.” She tugs the book free before turning toward Regina, holding the book out to her, “I was thinking that maybe we could go together. It could count as our first real date.”

Regina stills.

Did she hear Janis right? Did Janis Sarkisian just ask her on a date?

Janis clears her throat, shifts her weight in that nervous way that she does. Regina swallows; she needs an escape. She needs-

The bell rings.

“I-I have to get to class.”

She bumps her shoulder against Janis’ as she walks past. The other girl reaches out to stop her, but Regina breaks free from her hold.

“Regina!”

Regina pauses, coughs. “I’ll see you later.”

She doesn’t look back.

~

The next few days after are Regina’s worst ones yet. She doesn’t move from her bed until Karen and Gretchen show up Saturday evening.

“You can’t just ignore her.”

Gretchen spins around in Regina’s desk chair, and Karen’s fingers work steadily to braid Regina’s freshly showered hair.

“Well, I can and I am.” Regina picks at a loose string on her sock.

Gretchen sighs, types away on her phone. Regina doesn’t doubt that she’s texting Damian.

“Janis is worried about you.” Karen finishes braiding Regina’s hair, helps her stand, “Sad face emoji.”

Regina nods, “I know, Karen.”

“You could just give it chance.” Gretchen speaks up, “Just to see where it takes you.”

Regina slides into the jeans that Gretchen laid out for her. According to her, Regina needs to get out of the house and hang out just the three of them. Regina really doesn’t want to go, but she hasn’t been one to hurt Gretchen’s feelings lately, so she’s not starting now.

The doorbell dings from downstairs. Regina frowns. Her Mom’s gone with Kylie to a dance competition in another town for the night.

“It’s probably Cady.” Gretchen fidgets slightly, forces on that too big fake smile she used to have. “I invited her.”

Karen nods quickly behind her. Regina sighs. The doorbell rings again and she hurries downstairs to answer it.

“Look, if you’re going to hang out with us tonight then we can’t talk about-” Regina pauses when she finally opens the door all the way. Janis smiles shifts her weight back and forth, “Janis.”

She smiles, “Hey.”

Regina swallows as she stares at her. And Janis looks good in her black jacket and skinny black jeans, and Regina really doesn’t know how to deal with it.

So, she does the only thing that feels right and shuts the door in Janis’ face.

“Hey!”

“Regina, you can’t do that!”

Gretchen reaches around her and opens the front door again. Janis looks like she’s two seconds away from laughing her ass off and Regina feels her blood boil a little then.

“Are you ready to go?” Janis asks.

And of course this was Gretchen and Karen’s plan all along.

Regina turns to face her friends, “You little shi-”

“Look, I know you’re mad and you have every right to be, but be mad at us tomorrow, okay?” Janis holds out her hands, “But for tonight hang out with me. Let’s go to that art gallery and pretend that we understand the actual meanings of the paintings, and we’ll eat expensive food at that new restaurant that we’re probably too underdressed for. Come on, Regina, we’ll have fun. You deserve it.”

Gretchen hands her purse to her and Regina sighs. She looks back at Janis, who’s looking at her with this soft expression that makes Regina feel like she’s melting.

“Okay.”

~

Regina has the best time.

Sure, the art gallery is overcrowded and she doesn’t really understand the interest in staring at a canvas, but Janis won’t stop talking about them. And she keeps making Regina laughs and keeps putting her hand on the small of Regina’s back to guide her through the crowd, or brushes the back of her hand against Regina’s.

Regina swallows down the flowers and lets herself live in the moments they share.

“The food was not that bad.” Regina laughs, her shoulder bumps against Janis’ as they walk up Regina’s walkway.

“Too bad to be as crowded as it was. I can’t believe we waited an hour for a table.”

Regina hums and Janis slips her fingers through hers.

“Worth it.”

Janis snorts, and Regina feels her cheeks redden as they stop at her porch steps.

“Thank you for tonight,” Regina squeezes Jani’s hand, staring down at them. “I really needed a good night like this.”

Janis nods, “Like I said you deserve it.”

Regina nods, for tonight she’ll believe it.

Janis steps forward, kisses Regina’s cheek. Regina sucks in a breath.

“Regina George doesn’t kiss on the first date, so I’ll take that for now.” Janis grins, “Goodnight.”

She moves to step away and Regina tugs on her hand.

“Hey, come back here.”

The night’s made her feel brave.

She pulls Janis back close to her, and slides her hand over her cheek before stepping forward and kissing her. If she’s going to let herself live in the moment then she better make the most of it. Janis kisses her back, slides her hands around Regina’s waist, and kisses her like Regina’s never been kissed before.

When she pulls back she presses her forehead against Janis’, brushes their noses together.

“Goodnight.” She whispers, slowly stepping away. Janis’ eyes flutter open and she blinks a few times at her. Regina holds back a laugh, “Text me when you get home.”

Janis nods a couple of times, mocks salutes, “Yup, I will. I so will.”

Regina laughs, waits until Janis is back in her car before she walks inside.

She went on a date with Janis Sarkisian tonight. She _kissed_ Janis Sarkisian tonight.

~

Regina’s still sick after the date and she didn’t expect anything else. True love’s kiss isn’t going to break this curse. On good days with Janis, Regina can hold the flowers down longer. On bad days there’s only blood, dirt, and purple hyacinths.

~

“You deserve it, you know?”

Regina looks up from her homework and at Janis across the table in the library. Janis is working on her math homework and Regina has an english paper that she needs to write, but Regina keeps catching Janis staring at her so they haven’t been very productive.

“What?”

Regina hooks her foot around Janis’ ankle underneath the table. Janis leans forward and brushes her thumb across Regina’s knuckles. They’ve gotten better at the whole touching thing over the past month. Regina likes when Janis hugs her bye before class, and Janis no longer flinches when Regina holds her hands in the hall.

“You deserve to let yourself be happy with me.” Janis smiles before going back to her homework.

Regina’s stomach flutters, but it’s not from the flowers.

~

Sometimes when Janis kisses her Regina swears she can feel the flowers dying in her stomach.

~

During March Regina splits her time equally between her friends and her girlfriend. (She still can’t believe that she gets to call Janis that). It’s a slow progress but somehow Regina feels like maybe she’s becoming someone she’s happy to be. Sometimes she’ll feel her old habits start to resurface, but she catches herself before she snaps at Gretchen, or insults someone in the hall. It feels lighter to not be that person anymore.

Now she’s the type of person that takes Janis lunch when she spends too much time in the art room. The person that helps Gretchen through her panic attack, and goes to Cady’s mathlete competitions.

Maybe it’s time for her to forgive herself. Everyone else has.

The petals still come, but the blood and dirt don’t.

~

With April comes Spring Fling.

Regina smooths her hands over her dress, pausing to press her hands on her stomach. She’s gained more weight recently; the flowers haven’t came as much the past week. She’s never felt more relieved.

“Janis is so going to love it.”

Kylie smiles from her bedroom door and Regina laughs at herself in the mirror.

“I hope so.” She looks at her over her shoulder, “Will you zip me?”

Kylie walks over to her and Regina has to bend down slightly, but she doesn’t mind. She smiles at herself in the mirror before moving back to her bed to get Janis’ boutonniere.

“Hey, ‘Gina?”

Kylie’s voice is small. Regina frowns, looking back at her.

“Yeah?”

Kylie rearranges Regina’s lip gloss on her vanity. Regina takes a small step back toward her.

“You’re going to be okay, right? Like you’re not sick anymore are you?”

Regina hugs her and Kylie hugs her back just as tight.

“I’m going to be okay, Ky, I promise.” Regina pulls back, thumps her nose, “Okay, get gone, we got to go back to pretending like we hate each other for Mom’s sake.”

Kylie laughs.

“Regina, Janis and you’re friends are here!” Her Mom calls.

Kylie grins, “Hey, I’m really happy for you and Janis. She makes you seem like an actual person.”

Regina grins, “Yeah.”

Kylie disappears back down the stairs. Regina feels the familiar flutter in her throat, but when she coughs all that comes is a daffodil. She throws it in the trash before heading downstairs to meet her girlfriend.

~

Janis won’t stop cheesing during some of their pictures, and Regina can’t wait to put one in a frame next to her bed later. Their little group rents a limo thanks to Gretchen, and they don’t leave the dance floor when they get to the gym.

“You okay?” Janis slides her hands over Regina’s hips, pulling her closer to her. “You’ve been quiet.”

Regina raises an eyebrow, “Is that an insult?”

Janis shrugs, cups her cheek with one hand, “Just an observation.”

She leans forward and kisses Regina in the middle of the crowd under the ugly party decorations. Regina smiles through the kiss; for the first time she feels normal again. Janis pulls back and presses their foreheads together. Regina knows what’s about to come next, but she kisses Janis to stop her.

She knows that the words are on the tip of Janis’ tongue because their on Regina’s too, but she’s in no rush to say it tonight. They have time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to @kleksuh and @annablisshoa for talking about this fic with me and listening to me rant to try and get my thoughts in order. This story wouldn't have gotten done without you two. 
> 
> My Tumblr is abucketofwigs
> 
> List of flowers and their meanings in the order they happen:
> 
> Purple Hyacinths: Please forgive me
> 
> Yellow Hyacinths and Pink Camellias: Jealousy and longing
> 
> Withered flowers: Rejected love
> 
> Striped Carnation: Wish I could be with you
> 
> Anemone: Fading hope
> 
> Red tulips: Declaration of love
> 
> Daffodil: New beginnings


End file.
